


gotta blame it on the goose

by Japery



Category: Men's Hockey RPF, Untitled Goose Game (Video Game)
Genre: 2019-2020 NHL Season, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Animal Transformation, Best Friends, Crack Treated Seriously, Geese, Gen, M/M, Slapstick as a Love Language, True Love's Hug, Vague Trade-Related Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2021-01-20 16:07:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21284453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Japery/pseuds/Japery
Summary: It’s a lovely morning in the Pepsi Center, and there’s a horrible goose in EJ’s stall.
Relationships: Erik Johnson/Gabriel Landeskog
Comments: 34
Kudos: 252





	gotta blame it on the goose

**Author's Note:**

> i don't claim to know and mean no harm to the people represented in this fic, if you found this by googling yourself or anyone you know, i'd advise you to click right on out of here.
> 
> look sometimes a boy drinks too many hard seltzers and writes the stupidest crossover fic that could exist
> 
> thanks to [andi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleconnections/pseuds/littleconnections) for betaing, [lotts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LottieAnna/pseuds/lotts) for indulging my original drunk tweets about this, ethan for title input, and lizzo's "juice" for the very on nose title.

It’s a lovely morning in the Pepsi Center, and there’s a horrible goose in EJ’s stall. 

Gabe comes in to the optional morning skate with half a cruller in his mouth and a crick in his neck he’s trying to have Belley work his magic on when he hears the honking. 

The locker room is more of a mess than it usually is, a pile of pads, sticks, and other miscellaneous bric-a-brac from everyone’s stalls all arranged in a haphazard barrier around the D wall—Gabe recognizes the ping pong paddle with his face on it, one of Z’s overpriced hats, and Colin’s “Peg City” nameplate. 

Half his team is crowded together on the other end of the locker room, huddled together. JT is brandishing a lacrosse stick that Josty keeps trying to wrestle from him, and Grubi is hefting what looks like the handle to the push broom, but the broom portion has fallen off. All of them are staring at a goose sitting in EJ’s stall, holding a pair of glasses in its beak and watching the entrance to the showers with dead, beady eyes. 

“Gabe?!” Gravy exclaims, poking his head, and bare, bony shoulders out from behind the tiled column. “Watch out—” The goose honks warningly, and Gravy yelps, skidding on his feet as he runs back into the shower. 

The goose, now aware of Gabe standing in the doorway, hops off the stall bench and waddles towards him. It looks over him, and gives him as unimpressed a look as he’s ever gotten. Gabe blinks at it, and before he can say anything the goose lunges to grab the cruller from Gabe’s grasp and dart away.

The goose slips past the rest of the team, squeezing through Grubi’s five hole and lunging at just the right time to knock JT on his ass. It pushes past the half-open locker room door into the hallway, the sound of its feet paddling over the concrete resolving into a high-pitched yelp and an echoing honk. 

A minute or so later, Cale pops his head through the doors, the front of his shirt covered in exploded bits of what looks like a banana. “Hey, did you all see that animal over there?” 

“That was EJ.” Josty says, as if it was a totally normal thing to say. 

Gabe stares at his empty hand where a cruller used to be, and then at EJ’s stall. “Someone’s going to need to explain some things.” He says, rubbing his temples with his thumbs.

“Is it gone?” Gravy asks skittishly, slowly inching out of the shower, sopping wet and fully naked. 

“Honk honk.” JT says, deadpan, and Josty smacks his shoulder from where he’s helping him off the floor. Gravy’s eyes go wide with betrayal. Cale, blushing, offers him the towel he was using to wipe the banana off his shirt.

Gabe looks up at the ceiling mournfully, and wonders if it’s too late to turn around and go home. 

//

“So let me get this straight—” 

“Not gonna be any help there, but go on.” Josty quips. Gabe sucks in a breath through his teeth. He’s sitting with Josty in their stalls as Gravy and Cale get to work cleaning up the mess the goose left in its wake. Grubi sits in his stall and directs them, very kingly in demeanor, though Gabe is pretty sure he’s just pretending to know what goes where.

“EJ turned into a goose.” Gabe says, slowly. Josty rolls his eyes. 

“He was cursed.” He says, with all the matter of factness that he would have saying he was colorblind, his curls bouncing vigorously as they shine in the fluorescent light. 

“And you saw this?” Gabe asks. Josty makes a half-hearted movement with one hand. 

“Dude, it’s obvious. That goose has gotten into some bad mojo.” 

Gabe looks at Josty, who winks at him weirdly, twitching one eye and then another. 

Gabe stares at him, wondering, not for the first time, if he might be trapped in some kind of dream hellscape. 

“Do you know how to wi—” Gabe starts, shaking his head, when there’s a rash of honking coupled with a loud indignant screech from the hallway.

“I’ve got this!” Josty yells, springing up to follow the noise, barreling through the door like he’s running through a paper banner at a homecoming game. JT groans exasperatedly and trails after him.

“We don’t have to go, do we?” Gravy asks, eyes wide. 

Cale lays a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. “Josty says he’s got it, bud.” 

“They probably won’t die if I leave them to it, right?” Gabe asks Grubi.

Grubi shoots Gabe a look. “Go be a good captain.” He says, solemnly, picking up his glove to wave Gabe off. Gabe sighs, and follows his stupidest non-rookies out the door. Stupid responsibility.

//

He finds JT and Josty crowding one side of the hallway. Nate, annoyingly barefoot, with one shoe in his hand and the other one in the goose’s mouth, stands on a chair and hollers loudly. 

“Gabe, that duck stole my Louboutin!” Nate yells at him, pointing at the goose accusingly. The goose looks at him, unimpressed.

“It’s a goose, Dogg.” Gabe supplies. Nate looks at him like he wants him to burn down where he stands, which doesn’t sound like too bad a prospect right now. 

“It’s fine!” Josty says cheerfully. He’s hunched over, shuffling slowly towards the goose with his arms outstretched. “EJ just needs True Love’s Hug and he’ll be his awful ugly self again.” 

“EJ?” Nate repeats, as JT rolls his eyes. 

“One, it’s True Love’s Kiss. Two, you’re not EJ’s true love. Three, you’re an idiot.” JT lists off. Josty flips him off, holding it up as he continues creeping towards the goose. 

Gabe considers saying something, but he figures if a hug would turn EJ back into a man, flipping someone off while doing it might actually help.

The goose stares Josty down as he approaches, holding Nate’s Louboutin in its beak. Josty lunges to wrap an arm around him, and the goose flings the shoe into Josty’s face. Josty falls backwards, JT barely manages to catch him before the goose elongates its neck to crouch down and slip under Nate’s chair, knocking it over and Nate onto JT and Josty as it goes. 

Gabe pokes at the mess of limbs sympathetically, and Nate groans at him.

“Maybe we should try kissing him.” Nate grumbles, elbowing JT off of himself. 

Gabe shrugs. “He might like that better.” 

// 

Back in the locker room, with as many of them assembled as they could get, Nate pulls out one of the whiteboards Bedsy uses for plays and wipes it clean with one of Z’s ugly shirts. 

“Gotta have a gameplan.” He says. “Gabe, you’re his best friend.” 

Gabe rolls his eyes, unsure how even Nate got caught up in all this nonsense. “We could lure him in with horses. Does anybody have any horses?” Nate throws the stained zebra print shirt at him. 

“What do gooses eat?” Mikko tries, fully committed to the bit despite the fact that Gabe knows he hasn’t even seen the goose. 

“Geese,” Cale corrects him gently. 

Mikko’s eyes bug out. “They eat each other?!”

“EJ would be gooses that eat other gooses.” Sam chimes in thoughtfully. 

“Geese,” Cale says again. 

“Does that make him a canni-bill?” Gabe asks, with a smirk. Nobody laughs, and Cale groans. “You know, because he has a bi—” 

Nate looks around, walks over to Gabe, and says, “It’s only because EJ isn’t here, bro,” before he punches Gabe in the shoulder, hard. 

Gabe rubs his shoulder, folding his arms over his chest. “Okay, accepting that my best friend turned into a goose because of curses or whatever—” 

“Geese,” Mikko interrupts obnoxiously. 

Gabe ignores him. “We might as well just have everyone kiss him, and see if that turns him back, right? True Love’s Kiss.” He ventures, looking around the room. He doesn’t know anything about curses, but neither do any of the rest of his team, because they’re all kind of nodding, except Josty. 

“Actually, it’s True Love’s Hug.” Josty says. 

“Actually, it’s not, dumbass.” JT counters, and Josty growls at him before trying to suplex him off the bench. 

“We have to catch him first.” Sam interjects, when Gravy pipes up. 

“Well, if he’s anything like a lobster, I might have an idea.” 

//

Gravy’s idea involves making a kind of lobster trap out of a stick and a goal around the corner of the hallway. Nate, who they all agree is the fastest, is poised to spring it as soon as the goose wanders in. Sam makes a playlist of horse related songs and they put the Bluetooth speaker in the middle of the net, for bait. 

They all wait behind Nate, craning over each other in a huddle and watching the end of the hallway to see if the goose appears. Sam sings along softly with “Old Town Road” five times in a row. 

“Maybe we should try different bait.” Gravy tries. “What else does EJ like?” 

“Picture of himself!” Mikko yells out, just when the goose shows up, wearing a tan wicker cowboy hat balanced precariously just over its beady eyes.

“Hey, that’s mine.” Cale says, scrunching up his nose. 

“It doesn’t look bad on him.” Nate admits. It really doesn’t. 

It waddles towards the source of the music, looking as wary as it can, which is a surprising amount of wary coupled with the cowboy hat. It looks around, and comes closer, and closer. 

“Get it, get it,” Josty encourages Nate, pulling at the back of his shirt. Nate’s grip is tight around the stick, his muscles coiled tight and ready. 

“Shut up.” He hisses, setting his tongue over the side of his mouth. The goose moves closer, the shadow of the net falling over the brim of its stolen hat as it tries to grab the handle of the speaker, and Nate moves. 

Nate pulls the stick back like the spring to a trap he is, the goose honking and spreading its wings as the net tumbles over it. The hat gets knocked off, and Cale swoops in to grab it. “Hold it down!” Nate commands, and Mikko and Gravy lunge to pin down each side to stop the goose from just walking off with the net on top of it. 

Gabe herds the rest of them around in a huddle, and they manage to guide the goose to one of the empty trainer’s rooms and let it loose from the net from there. Gabe closes the door on it, and Gabe watches it putter around the barren room from the window. 

“Okay,” Gabe says, catching his breath. “Who’s kissing it first?” 

“Do we all have to kiss it?” Gravy asks, voice a little squeaky. The goose stops from where it’s pacing around the room angrily, and stares at him as if it heard him. He whimpers, all the confidence from his—admittedly well-executed plan—already sapped from him. 

“We’ve all gotta try,” Cale tells him encouragingly. 

“I will try.” Grubi volunteers. He looks at all of them, and shakes his head. “I am probably not EJ’s true love, and I have things to do.” 

“Fair enough.” Gabe says, and he moves from the door to let Grubi in. 

They watch as Grubi slips into the room, offering a polite greeting to the goose, who honks indignantly. He walks towards it slowly, hands up deferentially. 

Grubi leans over and cradles the goose’s head in his hand for just a second as he gives it a gentle peck on the head. 

Mikko gasps, and there’s a beat. 

Nothing happens. 

After a few more seconds, Grubi shrugs, wipes his mouth with his arm, and slips back out, the goose glaring daggers at him as he goes. 

“Who’s next?” Grubi asks, and they all look at each other. 

They all go in turn, kissing the goose, in some informal order of likeliness. Cale coaxes Gravy in, and the tall man manages to give it a fluttering butterfly kiss before it honks in his face and he rushes out as quickly as possible. Cale goes himself then, and gives it a couple of dutiful pecks, looking determined at a fate that never comes.

JT and Josty go in together, bickering all the while. Josty kisses the goose reluctantly and tries to get JT to hug it. JT, for his part, kisses the goose with only a minimal amount of complaining. They both look a little relieved when nothing happens. 

Mikko goes next, lifting the goose up to give it a sweeping, romcom kiss. He’s disappointed when nothing happens. 

“Did you want to be EJ’s true love?” Gabe asks as he comes out. 

“Me and EJ would be sexy together.” Mikko tells him, before shrugging off to drown his bruised ego in breakfast foods. 

Nate and Sam look at each other when it comes time for their turn, and Nate goes first. 

“Look, dude, I love you, but I kinda hope we’re not true loves.” Nate says to the goose, who stares blankly at him. Nate scratches the back of his head and shrugs. “I don’t really want to explain that to Tyson.” Nate admits. The goose sniffs at him, and waddles up, as if trying to get it over with. 

Nate kisses it between the eyes, and there’s a flutter of feathers, and for a second, Gabe thinks it takes. Turns out, the goose just spreads its wings dramatically, and goes off to sulk in the corner of the room. 

Nate lets out a breath. “I’m gonna facetime Tys.” He tells Gabe as he goes. “You’re gonna be okay here?” 

“I’ll be fine.” Gabe says, watching as Sam takes his place in the room. If there was any truth to this nonsense, then this would be it, Gabe was sure. He’d seen Sam and EJ, partners in every sense, buzzing around with more chemistry than he’d ever seen his best friend have with anyone. 

“’lo, mon chum.” Sam greets, with a little wave. “You make a very good gooses.” 

There’s a charge to the air, and Gabe wonders if he should just leave them to it. Sam takes a couple of halting steps towards the goose, and he kneels down so they’re as close to eye level as they can be. Sam kisses the crown of the goose’s head softly, carefully, and Gabe lets out a breath. 

They wait for longer than they did with anyone else before Sam comes out of the room, laying a hand on Gabe’s shoulder. 

“Of course it is you, Captains.” Sam says, a little resigned. “You keep him people.” 

“It’s probably Z.” Gabe jokes weakly, his heartbeat quickening just a little. “He’s just not here.” Sam smiles at him, wry and impossibly heavy.

Soon enough, it’s just Gabe and the goose. Its feathers are a little ruffled from being herded into a little room and handled by so many people, but it seems ready for him, or as ready as a goose can be to be kissed by a ninth hockey player in a row. 

“Hey Erik.” Gabe says hesitantly. The goose doesn’t say anything in response, because of course it doesn’t. Gabe groans, backing up against the concrete wall and holding his head in his hands. “Am I your true love? By process of elimination?” Gabe chuckles, slumping down against the wall and sinking to the floor, level with the goose. 

“It’s been years, I feel like we should’ve known by now. You know I love you.” Gabe lifts his head, and the goose is looking at him from across the room. Its judging, curious, and it does remind him of EJ for a second, and something tightens in Gabe’s chest. “Everyone’s gone, Erik. Dutch, Factor, Tys, all of them.” Gabe’s voice is strained and heavy, fingers digging into the cold concrete of the empty room. “We’re old now, we’re supposed to be in this together, and you’re off and—and being a goose!” 

There’s the quiet sound of movement, and Gabe looks up to see the goose standing next to him. Its eyes are dark, and meaningless, and Gabe can’t help but scoff. 

“What the fuck am I doing?” Gabe mumbles to himself, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. He pushes himself up with one hand to glare at the goose. “You’re not EJ. You’re just a goose.” The goose honks softly. 

Gabe shakes his head, and picks the goose up with one arm. The goose struggles a little, clawing and sniping at him, but Gabe keeps a firm, careful hold around its waist, ignoring the pain. He pushes out of the room, and Josty sticks his head out from around the corner. 

“Did you—what are you—” Josty starts, but Gabe ignores him, marching through the locker room and towards the outdoor entrance. Josty tries to catch him, but Gabe barrels past, down the stairs. The crisp Denver air hits sharp against his skin as he sets the goose down, and he and Josty watch as it runs off towards the end of the parking lot. 

“We gotta catch him!” Josty says, panic seeping into his voice. “EJ—” 

“That’s not EJ.” Gabe says, feeling tired, exhausted, like they just got eliminated from the playoffs. “Just let it go, Josty. We’ve got a game to worry about. EJ’ll show up.” 

//

EJ doesn’t show up. 

By game time, no one’s seen any sign of him. Gabe calls him and all his calls go straight to voicemail. Bedsy is on edge about it behind his normally calm demeanor, sending people off left and right. The boys who were there this morning keep looking at Gabe, and Josty won’t stop glaring at him. 

Gabe is tense as he gets dressed, and the whispers don’t help. He keeps telling himself, over and over, that it was just a goose. That it was just some random, horrible goose that had wandered into the Pepsi Center, and not his cursed best friend that he’d left to the wilds of Denver. If he had kissed him— 

If he had kissed it, nothing would’ve happened, because it was ridiculous. Geese, curses, and true love—it was completely ridiculous. 

Gabe is off during warm-ups, his shoulders tight and his chest heaving. Someone has a sign for EJ, and he can’t look at it, he can’t, not until EJ’s there on the ice to be smug about it hims—

“Goose!” A child’s voice rings out, and Gabe looks up to where she’s pointing. 

There’s the goose, perched on the netting in front of him. It honks imperiously, and suddenly there’s a crowd on both sides of the ice, cameras and fans staring at this goose. The rest of the boys are skating up, and Josty is yelling something. The goose’s feathers are ruffled but shiny, and it stares right at Gabe as it spreads its wings, and Gabe has a singular realization—he’s going to fall. 

Gabe pushes himself on his skates, moving as fast as he can go as the goose honks again and pushes itself off the netting falling towards him so much faster than he could imagine. Gabe holds his arms outstretched, and his heart doesn’t stop beating out of his chest until he feels them wrap around the soft down of the goose as it lands on his chest. Gabe tumbles backwards and rolls onto the ice, trying to maneuver himself to cushion their fall, but the goose is so much heavier than Gabe expected it to be, and heavier still. 

Gabe blinks, and feathers resolve into warmth and cloth, wings into sharp, jabbing elbows, and the goose becomes a man in his arms. 

EJ smiles at him, bright and toothless, his mouth a hair’s breadth from his ear. “Honk honk, Landeskog.” He whispers, and Gabe shoves his hand in his face, laughing louder than the arena around him. 

“True Love’s Hug!” Gabe hears Josty exclaim, and he just pulls EJ closer.

**Author's Note:**

> peace, check me out on [tumblr](https://samgirard.tumblr.com) or the [twitter i'm trying to use more](https://twitter.com/jpeggings)


End file.
